burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
