Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
