you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
