my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
