no, he came in my armpit
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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