I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
