they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
