I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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