omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
