I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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