...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
