Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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