I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
