i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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