Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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