U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Terrible idea I love it
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize