If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
