yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
