kristin has been a bad kristin
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
