O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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