Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
