they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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