he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
