I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
