White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
