Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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