My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
