shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
