guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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