also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I want a musical about memes.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
