that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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