I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize