Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
