Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
