she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
