this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
