I will die if light touches me.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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