Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just saw a hot homeless man
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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