so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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