Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize