I accidentally burped into my bong.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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