She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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