You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
