how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
