I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He's on the porch naked. Help.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
