I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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