What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
