You can't motorboat a personality
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
