Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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