Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
