I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
