i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
