So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
please don't ironically join a cult
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