tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
