That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
