I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
