remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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