I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
